Why ‘Toxic’ Can Lead To Happy Ever After.
A short story of hope about a narcissist and a borderline
It was a rainy evening in New York City when Reed and Avery met again two years after their separation. Reed had been a successful CEO of a tech startup, while Avery had been in and out of therapy, trying to manage her disorder.
Reed had struggled with his demons since Avery ghosted him and went No Contact.
He had started seeing a therapist who helped him recognize how his narcissism had affected his past relationships. The therapist challenged him to work on himself and be more empathetic toward others.They were surprised to see each other the night they met again.
Reed was surprised by how much he had missed Avery, but he was also nervous about how she would react to seeing him again. Walking in the rain, they talked about everything that had happened in the past two years.
Avery was confident and assertive, something that had never happened before. Reed felt ashamed of his past behavior and realized he needed to make things right.
They exchanged numbers and started to see each other regularly. Reed was committed to being a better person for Avery.
He would listen to her, offer her emotional support, and respect her boundaries. He would try his best to understand her feelings and not make everything about him.
Avery appreciated the changes in Reed but was afraid of getting hurt again. She had worked hard in therapy to manage her condition and did not want to risk a relapse. She decided to take things slowly and set boundaries for herself.
Reed had been shattered by Avery’s departure two years ago. The breakup had taken a severe toll on him, and he had sunk into a dark place. Only after a friend’s intervention had he decide to seek therapy.
Dr. Dianne Diamond was a renowned therapist, and Reed had heard of her success with transference therapy. He had sought her out and started working with her.
Initially, Reed had been reluctant to open up about his relationship with Avery. He had blamed her for everything that had gone wrong in their relationship.
Reed was a man who had always believed that love was about passion and intensity. He craved the rush of limerence, the euphoria that came with being swept up in the emotions of a new relationship. And when he met Avery, he felt that rush more strongly than he had ever felt before.
But as their relationship progressed, Reed began to see that love was about more than just passion. Avery was a woman with struggles, a quiet and reflective person who had always felt the weight of her emotions. She had a depressive quiet subtype of borderline disorder, making it difficult to express herself and connect with others.
Despite their differences, Reed and Avery were drawn to each other. They were like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly, each completing the other naturally and correctly. But their relationship was not without its challenges.
Reed’s narcissistic tendencies often made it difficult for him to see things from Avery’s perspective. He would get frustrated when she withdrew from him or became emotional, not understanding the depth of her pain.
Meanwhile, Avery was plagued by a fear of abandonment and engulfment, never quite sure how to express herself to Reed without pushing him away.
It wasn’t until Reed sought therapy that he began to see the impact of his behavior on Avery. He read “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and saw himself in the pages. He realized that his behavior made it difficult for Avery to feel safe and secure in their relationship.
Reed learned to be more patient and empathetic with Avery as he worked with his therapist, Dr. Dianne Diamond. He started seeing her struggles in a new light and understood the importance of being there for her even when difficult.
Meanwhile, Avery had been doing her work. She had been reading “Walking on Eggshells” and working with her therapist to understand her fears and anxieties. Their relationship deepened and strengthened as she learned to communicate more effectively with Reed.
In the end, Reed and Avery emerged from their therapy stronger than ever before. They faced challenges together and learned to love each other deeply and meaningfully. They had grown together, becoming better versions of themselves because of their love.
As Reed held Avery in his arms, he knew they had overcome the odds. They learned that love was more than passion, intensity, and friendship.
Love is work. Why shouldn’t it be?
What great things come without dedication, hard work, and time? Other than winning the lottery, who wants to continue playing Russian roulette with love? Those odds aren’t worth the gamble.
The lesson from Avery and Reed:
Love is a choice. Not a verdict based on labels. Choosing someone to love and that someone makes the same choice. It’s not about shaking the eight ball and trying to predict the future based on Red Flags. Sure, be wise, but ultimately, NO ONE can predict the nuance of love — the choices people make and who is and isn’t capable of change. I do know if there is one thing on this planet that will inspire change: love. That is, if you still believe in love.
Love is about being there for each other without projections or idealization; even when things are difficult, you kept showing up with a willingness to grow. Love is growth.
Green Flags: Physical chemistry and a desire to grow together.
The only accurate predictor of the future is you.
Citations:
Kreisman, J. J., & Straus, H. (2010). I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality. Penguin.
Mason, P. T., & Kreger, R. (2010). Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Citation: Diamond, D. (2007). Transference-focused psychotherapy for borderline personality disorder: A clinical guide. American Psychiatric Pub.