Artwork by Pierre Droal. Characters inspired by the original fiction story ‘Iron John’ by the Grimm Brothers.

Over 50% of adult women come from broken homes with absentee fathers. Combined with Hollywood’s version of men do women even have the slightest clue who we are?

Are we as a culture losing or gaining what it is to become a healthy masculine man?

Do we even have a clue as a culture what masculinity is anymore?

Is the challenges men face in 2023 vs. 1990 look any different on a macro level?

I am going to use a book written by a lesser known American literary hero to help answer these questions.

Robert Elwood Bly (December 23, 1926 — November 21, 2021) was an American poet, essayist, activist and leader of the mythopoetic men’s movement.

His best-known prose book is Iron John: A Book About Men (1990),[1] which spent 62 weeks on The New York Times Best Seller list,[2] and is a key text of the mythopoetic men’s movement.

Iron John by is not just an out-of-date book about a wild man and a boy; it’s a call to action for all of us.

According to Bly, in today’s world, more than ever before, boys need male-to-male initiations to become strong, confident, and grounded men. They desperately need Fathers and mentors.

And Bly’s concepts about child development, the shadow, and male bonding provide a roadmap for how to make that happen.

Let’s start with the concept of child development. Bly argues that boys are often encouraged to take a depressive victim path, where their emotions and creativity are suppressed, and they are forced to conform to societal norms.

But this path leads to a life of emptiness, and disconnection from self results in acting out in destructive ways to themselves and others.

As Bly writes, “the boy learns to hate his vulnerable side, to dislike his own emotions, and to avoid the intuitive part of himself” (Iron John).

It’s time for a change. We must encourage boys to take the grandiose path to embrace their wild, creative, and emotional sides healthily.

Encourage boys to take the grandiose path! Wait. What?!

Are you saying to encourage narcissism?

No!

That is not what Bly is saying at all.

You need more nuanced information about narcissism from a psychoanalytic perspective to understand.

Hard to do when social media memes and not books educate people.

I digress.

Bly suggests boys can connect with their true essence and discover their unique purpose through healthy grandiosity. Bly writes, “it is only by following the wild man that the boy will become strong” (Iron John).

But it’s not just about embracing the wild man within. Boys also need to confront and integrate their shadow side.

Bly argues that we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like or don’t want to acknowledge.

These parts can carry a negative charge that we may not even know.

But by acknowledging and embracing them, we can become more complete human beings. Bly writes, “the shadow is a territory that we have not explored, and so it carries a charge that we do not recognize” (Iron John).

The shadow is where shame lives, too, and the root of toxic grandiosity.

And what better way to explore the shadow than through male-to-male initiations?

By meaningfully connecting with other wholesome men, boys can tap into a powerful source of strength and support.

Bly argues that men have lost touch with their primal nature and connection to other men, leading to a sense of isolation and disconnection.

He writes, “men have been cut off from each other by the culture, which demands competition, aggression, and territoriality” (Iron John).

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Through male-to-male initiations, boys can connect with other men in a compassionate and supportive way rather than a possessive and competitive.

As Bly writes, “the bonding between men in our time must be one of compassion, not of possession” (Iron John).

The ideas presented in Iron John are more important now than ever before. Boys need male-to-male initiations to become strong, confident, and grounded men.

By embracing the wild man within, confronting and integrating the shadow, and connecting with other men in a compassionate and supportive way, boys can become the men our world needs them to be.

Bly writes, “the deepening of the personality, the growth of insight, the filling out of the emotions, the toughening of the body are impossible without initiation” (Iron John).

Ah, another day, another reminder that boys need male-to-male initiations to take the grandiose path to a healthy point to become strong, confident, compassionate and grounded men.

But let’s face it, folks. Recommending boys embrace their wild, creative, and emotional sides have become overshadowed by the extreme hyper-inflated sensationalized trend of blaming narcissism for seemingly all the wrongs in the world of relationships.

Robert Bly’s concepts about child development and the shadow seem to have fallen by the wayside, as everyone and their mother are now pointing the finger at narcissistic behavior.

But let’s not forget that there’s a big difference between healthy narcissism and toxic narcissism.

As Bly writes, “the boy learns to hate his vulnerable side, to dislike his own emotions, and to avoid the intuitive part of himself” (Iron John).

It’s not about creating a generation of self-centered egomaniacs but about encouraging boys to connect with their true essence and discover their unique purpose in life.

And let’s not forget about the shadow. While everyone is busy diagnosing each other with narcissism, we’re neglecting that we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like or don’t want to acknowledge.

We can become more complete human beings by acknowledging and embracing our shadows.

Bly writes, “the shadow is a territory that we have not explored, and so it carries a charge that we do not recognize” (Iron John).

But hey, why bother exploring the shadow when we can project blame on narcissism?

And what about male-to-male initiations?

While everyone is swiping left and right on dating apps and lamenting the state of modern relationships, we’re forgetting the importance of connecting with other men meaningfully.

Bly writes, “men have been cut off from each other by the culture, which demands competition, aggression, and territoriality” (Iron John).

But instead of encouraging men to bond in a compassionate and supportive way, we’re content to let them continue down the path of possessive and competitive behavior or we emasculate them entirely.

The initiations described in “Iron John” represent crucial steps in a boy’s journey toward healthy manhood and teaching him about his wild man nature and the important lessons about himself and the world around him.

1. The wild man’s escape: At the beginning of the book, the protagonist (a young boy) frees Iron John (a wild man who the king had imprisoned) from his cage, thus beginning his journey of initiation. This represents a crucial moment in the boy’s development, as he defies authority and takes the first step towards embracing his wild, instinctual nature.

2. The bathhouse: Later in the book, the protagonist enters a bathhouse full of naked men, where he is forced to confront his shame and vulnerability. Through this experience, he learns to accept and embrace his own body and becomes more comfortable with his own sexuality.

3. The hunting party: The protagonist joins a group of men on a hunting trip, where he learns the importance of cooperation and teamwork. This experience helps him develop a sense of camaraderie with other men and teaches him to rely on others for support and guidance.

4. The final challenge: Near the end of the book, the protagonist must retrieve a key from the bottom of a lake while being pursued by the king’s men. This represents the final challenge of his initiation and tests his physical and mental strength. By completing this challenge, he emerges as a strong and confident man, ready to take on the challenges of adult life.

In conclusion, let’s not let the current trend of blaming everything on toxic narcissism overshadow the important concepts put forward by Robert Bly in Iron John. Boys need male-to-male initiations to become strong, confident, and grounded men.

By embracing the ‘wild man’ within, confronting and integrating the shadow, and connecting with other men in a compassionate and supportive way, boys can become the men our world needs them to be.

So let’s put down the diagnostic manuals, swipe left on the sensationalized trends, and start taking action to help boys become their best selves. Bly writes, “the deepening of the personality, the growth of insight, the filling out of the emotions, the toughening of the body are impossible without initiation” (Iron John). Let’s not forget it.

Citations:

1. Sedikides, C., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Narcissistic individuals use social media to self-promote but crave admiration: Social media and the narcissistic paradox. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(5), 624–637.

This study found that individuals who score high on narcissism tend to use social media to promote themselves and gain attention from others. However, the researchers suggest that this behavior may not be entirely negative, as it can lead to positive outcomes such as increased self-esteem and social support.

1. Trzesniewski, K. H. Donnellan, M. B., & Robins, R. W. (2008). Do today’s young people think they are so extraordinary? An examination of secular trends in narcissism and self-enhancement. Psychological Science, 19(2), 181–188.

This study found that young people today may score higher on narcissism measures than previous generations. However, the researchers suggest that this may not necessarily be bad, as it may reflect increased self-confidence and a greater willingness to take on some challenges.

1. Kaufman, S. B., & Kaufman, J. C. (2018). The healthy personality: A social-cognitive approach. Journal of Personality, 86(2), 99–106.

This article proposes a framework for understanding healthy personality traits, which includes a healthy form of narcissism. The authors suggest that healthy narcissism involves a realistic sense of self-confidence and self-esteem and a desire to achieve goals and pursue success.