A Group of Leading Relationship Psychologists and Scholars Answer.

“Perfect love means to love the one through whom one became unhappy.”

—Søren Kierkegaard

Marriage has long been the bedrock of societies, yet in our modern world, its dissolution appears to be symptomatic of deeper societal fractures. Failing marriages not only affect the individuals involved but also have profound effects on the communities they inhabit. By examining the psychological, emotional, and historical dimensions of marriage, we can better understand its essential role in social cohesion.

My personal journey into this post begins with my grandparents. My grandmother was diagnosed with three co-morbid Cluster-B personality disorders late in her life—a bewildering complex combination. Yet, despite the challenges, my grandfather remained steadfast—he had to be. A soft-spoken engineer and WWII veteran, he embodied loyalty and dedication. In the 60-plus years of their marriage, he never wavered, adhering to his vows, "in sickness and in health," without question. His life was not distracted by social media or fantasies of alternate realities. He faced hardships, including the Great Depression and the death of comrades in war. Yet, his marriage endured, and with it, the warmth and stability of family legacy.

In contrast, today's culture presents a different narrative. We chase pleasure over legacy, often at the expense of commitment. Hook-up culture has led to break-up culture, which has given rise to recovery culture, and now, self-care culture. Yet, amidst all this, we have lost the art of building "stay together culture." Why do we invest so much effort in learning how to excel at break-ups instead of learning the skills necessary for nurturing long-term partnerships?

The Threshing Floor of Marriage

Marriage is a crucible—an alchemical process of growth, challenge, and transformation. It is where the wheat is separated from the chaff. In an awakened marriage, we confront our deepest insecurities and hidden strengths. We are laid bare, stripped of our defenses, and exposed to the other. This vulnerability is a powerful metaphor for the emotional, psychological, and spiritual depths that marriage invites us to explore. In this sacred bond, we uncover the densest, most nourishing parts of ourselves, locked away beneath layers of fear and self-protection.

Yet, in today's world, we seem to believe we can bypass these profound connections. We cut off parts of ourselves in the pursuit of instant gratification, emotional numbness, and objectification of our bodies. This cultural self-gaslighting convinces us that fleeting pleasures and avoidance of responsibility are the paths to happiness. But they aren't. Instead, they lead to fractured hearts, fragmented minds, and broken communities.

We glorify independence and freedom while sidestepping the realities of commitment and growth. Modern relationships have become dominated by a self-serving mindset, which perpetuates narcissistic tendencies. We want it all—instant pleasure without consequence, sex without intimacy, freedom without responsibility. But this approach is unsustainable. According to Pew Research, 57% of singles aren't dating or looking for marriage, and 80% of divorces are filed by women, often following events like a husband losing his job or experiencing a mental health crisis.

The Vital Role of Covenant Bonding

Marriage has historically provided the foundation for society by offering stability, both emotionally and economically. Research consistently shows that married individuals have better mental and physical health, higher incomes, and greater longevity than their unmarried counterparts (Waite & Gallagher, 2000; Wilcox, 2014). Children raised in stable, married households experience better educational outcomes, fewer risky behaviors, and lower rates of poverty (Amato & Booth, 1997; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994). Marriage strengthens not only individuals but entire communities.

Yet, our culture increasingly views marriage as dispensable. We prioritize career success, transient relationships, and self-centered pursuits over the commitment, resilience, and shared growth marriage demands. When we abandon marriage, we risk destabilizing the very fabric of society.

Toward an Awakened Marriage

As I reflect on the failure of my own 15-year marriage, I have come full circle in my understanding of its importance. Marriage, when approached with awareness, is an alchemical process that shapes both individuals and society. The vows we take are more than words—they are commitments to a journey of personal and collective transformation. If we teach our children the value of showing up, of keeping promises, of loving deeply, those children grow into adults who contribute to thriving communities.

In the face of modern pressures, we must redefine what it means to stay committed. We must elevate the institution of marriage into a practice of continuous, awakened growth. Relationships are where we confront the greatest trials, but they are also where we find the deepest rewards.

The question isn't whether marriage works—the data is clear that it does. The question is whether we are willing to do the work marriage requires. Are we prepared to endure discomfort for the sake of personal growth, relational fulfillment, and societal well-being?

In this essay, I argue for the necessity of covenant pair bonding as the primary stabilizing force in our increasingly fragmented world. Marriage provides the structure within which individuals, families, and societies can flourish. By nurturing and sustaining it, we create the conditions for a more compassionate, resilient, and interconnected world.

References

Amato, P. R., & Booth, A. (1997). _A Generation at Risk: Growing Up in an Era of Family Upheaval_. Harvard University Press.

Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2014). _Intimate Relationships_. W. W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). _Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love_. Workman Publishing Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). _The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert_.

McLanahan, S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). _Growing up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps_. Harvard University Press.

Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). _The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially_. Doubleday.

Wilcox, W. B. (2014). _The Evolution of Divorce_. National Affairs.