Why Are Failing Marriages The Link To A Failing Society?

A Group of Leading Relationship Psychologists and Scholars Answer.

Photo: Jonathan Borba

“Perfect love means to love the one through whom one became unhappy.”

—Søren Kierkegaard

My Grandmother was diagnosed with three co-morbid Cluster-B personality disorders late in her life — a serious combination. I remember my grandmother fondly. Espeially, her french toast and biscuits.

My Grandfather was a soft spoken engineer who flew cargo plans in WWII. He was a diligent, principled, educated and well read man.

I also remember having a brave and empathetic moment toward my Grandfather. One day, the three of us were having lunch and I said to my Grandmother, “I bet Grandpa never felt like he left the military living with you.”

Silence fell.

My grandfather knew nothing of personality disorders during their 60+ years of marriage.

Even if he did, he would have educated himself as a loyal helpmate. He wouldn’t and didn’t think twice whether his vows were negotiable.

He stayed by Grandma’s side, “in sickness and in health.”

He attuned to her needs.

My Grandfather loved one woman all his of his days. And so did my Paw Paw on my Fathers side.

Imperfect, yes.

However, their home was full over the holiday’s and warmth filled the air.

You see, my grandfather lived through a World War where he watched his buddies die as their planes crashed into the face of mountains trying to climb over the Himalayan mountains through the heavy fog.

My Grandfather and Grandmother lived through the great depression. No federal bail out funds. Instead, they farmed, starved and survived.

His mind was not filled with today’s social media fueled obsession with fantasy lives and fantasy mates.

Life is hard.

The hard truth is the happy times are laced with tough times. Regardless, of who your partner is or isn’t.

There is literally nothing in life worthy of the price of admission that does not require pain and suffering before reward.

Marriage is the sacred threshing floor. Where the wheat is pulled from the chaff. Meaning, if we surrender ourselves to a loving growth oriented marriage the impossibly hard reach places locked inside ourselves and burred under layers of shell will be cracked open.

Only in this unique bond is where the densest nutrition we’ve kept locked away from the world is found. Awakened monogamy does this.

By complete surrender to an awakened marriage we are powerless against our partners love revealing our highest purpose.

Where the the layers come off and we lay bare, and exposed.

To be naked and penetrated by a man or to be re-wombed by a women is a physical metaphor of a deeply psychological, emotional and spiritual process.

We culturally gaslight ourselves to think we can simply bypass these profound connections is a splitting of our minds, a numbing of our hearts and an objectification of our bodies.

We cut-off parts within us and wonder why we can’t find ourselves.

Our core self, or lack there of, our spirits, and our inner child is exposed all at once.

This is scary no matter how secure the relationship.

Today, like a bunch of adult-children we want to eat all the cookies and not get fat. We want to drive 200 mph down the highway and blame the car when we spin out of control. We want birth control, instant gratification, and no responsibility. We glorify and now spiritualize independence, freedom, money, fame, power over maturity and growth.

This is modern relationships.

Hook-up culture, has now lead to Break-up culture, which has now lead to Recovery Culture, which has now led to Self-care culture but few are truly learning how to build Stay Together Culture.

At what point do we as a culture start to learn the skills and practice those skills? Tools that have been proven across decades to make successful long term relationships grow and thrive?

Where is the tenured dedication to a human you share a sexual, emotional and energetic bond commensurate to at least the level of time, effort and energy we put into jobs we don’t even like?

Why are we so intent on becoming excellent at break-ups as opposed to practical partners overcoming the power struggle stage by improving through skills and discipline like any other hobby, venture or vocation?

As a society we no longer value the point and purpose of awakened monogamy.

We are a culture filled with adult-children deeply wounded from our parents divorces and subconsciously we run mass scale self-sabotaging programs to live what we came to believe as children.

1) Mom or Dad will leave.

2) Therefore, my partner will leave.

3) The difficulty I am having with my partner means it will fail.

4) There is no point and it hurts too much to try.

5) Self-sabatoge.

6) The end.

7) Who’s Next?

Instead, we have established a hedonistic mindset where emotions have become facts and happiness is the only measure of success.

There is an undeniable amount of narcissistic wishful thinking in this vacuous void. An abysmal abyss I got sucked into for a small number of years.

Culturally sanctioned sexual liberation or promiscuity is a form of cultural gaslighting. It condones predatory, addictive and psychopathic conduct.

It does not work, will never work, the data proves it doesn’t work and yet we all act and keep on like it does work.

Insanity.

Relationships arise together.

Any amount of dysfunction can lead to toxic emotional abuse whether it is by acting out or by withholding. Stonewalling or gray-rocking is as emotionally abusive as raising your voice.

Instead of learning to navigate the spectrum of nuance and we seek pleasure with no consequence.

A total delusion. The result?

A lot more pain, fractured hearts, fractured minds and we culturally gaslight ourselves into thinking we can self heal enough that our ex’s or fantasy partner wont appear on our minds screen looking for attention when your current partner slips up.

And that’s how we have been conditioned to think, “What’s in it for me.”

How is this approach in general not blatantly narcissistic?

Everyone seems to get that its not working but the solutions on the table aren’t working. The data clearly shows this:

According to Pew Research 57% of singles aren’t dating and looking for marriage.

Is happiness alone the measure of whether to stay or go or is genuine happiness only found in the combination of growth through the trials and the triumphs?

80% of divorces are filed by women. However, reported abuse and infidelity accounts for approximately only 50% of both men and women.

With estimates for men who have been abused to be higher do to non reporting males.

The two most common life events proceeding a female filing for a divorce is this:

Husband lost his job or he had a mental health crisis.

Everyone speaks the same vows, “in sickness and in health.”

If vows are no more permanent than the passing breeze and a persons word has lost it’s bonding power then what glue is it that holds the balance of love between two lives through a lifetime?

Nothing.

Plus, only 1 out of every 2 couples will stay married.

There is not a single store, mechanic, or investment we would wittingly do business with that produced that rate of failure.

So, we are giving up as a society.

Career is #1, Cat is #2 and sleeping around is #3.

And yet this failing institution is the fabric holding society together.

No, strike that. We are failing the institution of marriage the institution is not failing us.

In this essay I will argue the vital aspects and research demonstrating why covenant pair bonding is the primary stabilizing force holding society together.

Marriage is an essential institution that has been a cornerstone of human society for generations. It provides a foundation for the family, which is the building block of society.

In the third edition of "Why Marriage Matters" by the Institute for American Values, scholars present the most current data and research on the importance of marriage.

In "Why Marriage Matters," Wilcox, Marquardt, and Blankenhorn bring together leading scholars and social commentators to explore the importance of marriage in modern society.

Through a series of essays, they address a range of topics related to marriage, including its impact on children, its role in promoting social stability, and its connection to personal fulfillment and happiness.

Overall, the authors of "Why Marriage Matters" are dedicated to promoting the institution of marriage and its importance in human lives.

Through their research and advocacy, they seek to strengthen families and communities, and create a more vibrant and thriving society.

One of the most important benefits of marriage is its impact on the well-being of individuals.

Research has shown that married individuals have better mental and physical health, higher incomes, and greater longevity than unmarried individuals.

Studies by Waite and Gallagher (2000) and Wilcox (2014) reveal that a happy marriage provides a sense of security and fulfillment, which are essential for self-development and spiritual growth.

Moreover, marriage plays a critical role in the well-being of children. Children who grow up in homes with married parents have better educational outcomes, are less likely to engage in risky behaviors, and are less likely to experience poverty.

Research by Amato and Booth (1997) and McLanahan and Sandefur (1994) show that children raised in stable marriages experience a nurturing and loving environment, which is essential for their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth.

Marriage also promotes a sense of community and social cohesion. Married couples are more likely to be involved in community activities, volunteer, and give to charitable organizations.

Research by Popenoe (1996) and Wilcox (2011) reveal that married individuals have stronger social connections and are more engaged in their communities.

Furthermore, marriage has significant economic benefits for society as a whole. Married couples tend to be more financially stable, and their stable family structures contribute to economic growth.

Research by Lundberg and Pollak (1996) and Haskins (2006) indicate that married individuals are more productive and contribute more to the economy.

Marriage is a critical function for self-development, spiritual growth, the well-being of individuals, children, communities, and society as a whole. Marriage provides a sense of security, love, and purpose that are essential for human flourishing.

Additional references by Schwartz (2013) and Bradbury and Karney (2014) highlight the importance of marital satisfaction and the positive impact it has on self-growth and spiritual development.

I have had to face my own beliefs around marriage after my 15 year marriage failed.

I have come full circle in my convictions around the importance of sexual selection to be shared inside the boundaries of marriage.

Why? Delayed gratification, commitment across time and space,. The abiding comfort only vetted tenure creates. The experience of triumph over trial with one person who accepts you for who you are and are becoming. This unfolding dynamic enshrined by vows becomes an alchemical process of crafting ones soul.

There is an essential function to vows and to living those vows in marriage. If we are required to be honest, keep our word at all cost, do whatever it takes to keep love alive, and show-up again and again then over time kids model these examples and the kids those kids become our neighborhoods, then towns, then cities, then states.

If marriage of old proves to be a unilaterally positive impact on society then I wonder how much more so could awakened marriage be?

In addition to these references, recent studies have also shown that marriage has positive effects on mental health, including reduced rates of depression and anxiety (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001), and even physical health, such as decreased risk of heart disease (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

Marriage is a complex institution that provides numerous benefits to individuals, families, and society.

By promoting stable and healthy marriages, we can ensure that individuals and communities thrive both economically and emotionally.

So, let's celebrate the beauty of marriage, and work towards creating a society where all individuals have the opportunity to experience the joys and benefits of this essential institution.

I would encourage everyone including policymakers, scholars, and individuals to promote and support not only marriage as a fundamental institution for human flourishing and the noble quest toward educating our humans on the our human potential as vessel of a new area of awakened marriage.

John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, also recognizes the significance of marriage in human lives. He argues that a strong, healthy marriage is essential for both personal well-being and social harmony.

According to Gottman, a good marriage provides a sense of safety, comfort, and intimacy that allows individuals to thrive and grow (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

In his research, Gottman has identified several key components of a successful marriage, including emotional intelligence, shared goals, and positive communication patterns (Gottman & Gottman, 2018). By focusing on these areas, couples can build strong relationships that provide support and fulfillment throughout their lives.

Overall, Gottman's work emphasizes the critical role that marriage plays in human happiness and well-being. By investing in our relationships and promoting healthy marriages, we can create a society that is more compassionate, connected, and resilient.

The authors of "Why Marriage Matters" are dedicated to promoting the institution of marriage and its importance in human lives.

Through their research and advocacy, they seek to strengthen families and communities, and create a more vibrant and thriving society.

In a small way I am chipping in on the effort to #staytogether.

References:

The third edition of "Why Marriage Matters" is edited by W. Bradford Wilcox, Elizabeth Marquardt, and David Blankenhorn.

W. Bradford Wilcox is a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and the director of the National Marriage Project. He is also a senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies and a visiting scholar at the American Enterprise Institute.

Elizabeth Marquardt is the director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values. She is also the author of several books on marriage and family, including "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce."

David Blankenhorn is the president of the Institute for American Values, a think tank dedicated to strengthening families and civil society.

He is also the author of "Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem."

Amato, P. R., & Booth, A. (1997). A Generation at Risk: Growing Up in an Era of Family Upheaval. Harvard University Press.

Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Intimate Relationships. W. W. Norton & Company.

Haskins, R. (2006). Work over Welfare: The Inside Story of the 1996 Welfare Reform Law. Brookings Institution Press.

Lundberg, S., & Pollak, R. A. (1996). Bargaining and Distribution in Marriage. Journal of Economic Perspectives, 10(4), 139-158.

McLanahan, S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). Growing up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps. Harvard University Press.

Popenoe, D. (1996). Life without Father: Compelling New Evidence That Fatherhood and Marriage Are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society. Free Press.

Schwartz, P. (2013). Marriage and the Spirit of Capitalism: Love, Marriage, and the Market. Yale University Press.

Wilcox, W. B. (2011). When Marriage Disappears: The Retreat from Marriage in Middle America. National Marriage Project.

Wilcox, W. B. (2014). The Evolution of Divorce. National Affairs.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Workman Publishing Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.