My Blow-Up Doll: True Confession & The Power of Validation

Lars and the Real Girl 2007

They come in many different styles, shapes, and ethnicities — an endless selection of external images to match an internal fantasy.

Like famous people, social media, or dating apps, we look at the image, and a few lines of sales copy (bio) or role-played, and our minds wander into fantasy land.

What are we so hungry to find? True love or a desperate need to feel validation?

All I had to do was acquire it, and it’s mine — just the way I ordered it.

I’ve earned it, after all.

I deserve exactly what I tell myself I deserve, right?

No real work or practice learning how to interact with a real human in a relationship. Instead, I deserve it because it’s available, and I am here, and s/he is here for the fantasy we share.

The unspoken caveat is; if it fails my expectations, then it was the company's fault, not mine.

I’ll order another.

Our psychology does this thing called; projection.

When we are triggered, we project the parts of ourselves our minds have compartmentalized the pain or hidden from our view to function.

Things stemming from emotional neglect, dismissiveness, criticism, divorce, trauma, and verbal or physical abuse from a parental figure. The list goes on.

As adults, it is easier to avoid dealing with the pain of some childhood wounds rooted in shame than skip out on the boys headed to the game or miss the girlfriends for cocktail hour.

As we age, we become adept at what becomes a psychological defense, and like me, we acquire a blow-up doll and interact with plastic humans.

It’s a fantasy that helps us cope with not dealing with the shame or pain from a wound we may not know is even there.

The blow-up doll can be anyone or thing, a partner, an addiction, a toxic friend, a victim identity, a group, or a real blow-up doll.

Anything we use to hide the real and not face our fear.

Power of Validation.

Gus — “How long is Lars going to be this way?

Dr. Dagmar — As long as he needs to be this way.”

Gus asks the doctor about his brother Lars who has a new girlfriend — a girlfriend who happens to be a life-size blow-up doll.

Dr. Dagmar replies with an answer that the late psychologist Carl Rogers would have summed up his esteemed career in a word:

Acceptance. In other words, validation.

What caused Lars to take such drastic measures?

Childhood trauma.

What was the doctor’s response?

Put Lars in treatment for delusional schizophrenia?

Nope.

Instead, the whole town validated Lars.

They accepted his unreal girlfriend as a ‘real girl.’

How did this help, Lars?

In time, Lars let go of the delusional fantasy his mind created out of fear to protect a part of himself that didn’t feel safe as a boy and that he had projected onto a plastic doll as an adult.

Pick your disorder — lying, cheating, co-dependency, narcissism, Bipolar, Borderline, Histrionic, etc.

Basically, these behaviors are like blow-up dolls.

They’re not the real you or me.

IMO. They’re not even “disorders.”

Rather, these ‘blow-up dolls’ are ubiquitous and sophisticated strategies our subconscious mind deploys to adapt to a dysfunctional childhood environment ranging in degrees of trauma experience.

No one goes to school to become a “Personality Disorder.”

They are evolutionary survival mechanisms.

Surviving in a hostel or hurtful environment is perfectly normal.

Wolves raised Mowgli, and Apes raised Tarzan.

They grew to be wild and suited to survive in their environment successfully. In these cases, we can easily validate their learned behavior as normal.

We understand the Disney story perfectly well, but when a human off the screen isn’t acting neurotypical, we label and treat them as if they are feral and disordered.

Why?

Because moms and dads can’t see themselves as wolves and apes, we can understand and validate their behavior on the silver screen or in stories.

However, in real life, moms and dads rush their children off to be treated because there is something wrong with them (invalidation).

There is something wrong with my child, not me or my parenting.

Hogwash!

I, for one, love wolves.

After all, the wolves mate for life. A Lone wolf is not a colloquial expression describing a mysterious, enigmatic Alpha male.

No, the lone wolf is an accurate description of a male wolf. If his wolf-wife dies before he does, that male wolf does not wolf up another wolf-wife.

If being a wolf is disordered, I am right at home, and there will be a wolf pack to validate me.

Howl.

Validation can have a profound impact on our psychological well-being.

It involves acknowledging and accepting the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of others and is crucial in fostering healthy relationships and promoting personal growth. In the realm of psychoanalysis, validation plays a crucial role in the therapeutic process, as it allows individuals to feel seen and understood, which can help them heal from past traumas and move towards a more fulfilling life.

One of the key figures in the field of Jungian psychoanalysis, Carl Jung, emphasized the importance of validation in his work. He believed that the process of individuation, or the journey toward becoming one’s true self, requires validation from others. In his words,

“The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown. This ‘outgrowing’ proves that further investigation requires a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appears on the horizon, and in the act of pursuing it, all lesser interests lose their meaning and value. The individual, detached from his local group and his personal hopes and fears, finds himself an element in the spiritual ground of his age, which is working irresistibly to bring forth a new consciousness” (Jung, 1963).

Similarly, Marie-Louise von Franz, a prominent Jungian analyst, and scholar, emphasized the importance of validation in the therapeutic process. She believed that validation is essential in helping individuals confront and heal from past traumas. In her words,

“If we fail to contact our innermost self, we will remain perpetually lost, perpetually searching for something that we will never find. But if we can make that contact r own inner experience, then we can begin to heal, grow, and find meaning in our lives” (von Franz, 1980).

Another influential Jungian analyst, James Hollis, has also emphasized the power of validation in the therapeutic process. He believes that validation is crucial in helping individuals develop a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance. In his words,

“The work of therapy is to validate the individual’s sense of self, to confirm that he or she is not crazy, not abnormal, not a failure, but a human being with unique potential and worth” (Hollis, 1997).

Validation is a powerful tool that helps individuals heal from past traumas, develop a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance, and move towards a more fulfilling life.

Lars was validated. Lars healed himself.

Lars’ family and the entire town treated Lars like his blow-up doll was normal. He was normal for having his feelings about an abnormal object.

He wasn’t shamed, locked up, or admitted to REHAB and given “treatment.”

Instead, he was validated, respected, loved, nurtured, and cared for by real people, not people paid to care.

Over time, healing himself.

The movie is touching and gives a glimpse into what we need most from the people who are the closest to us.

This is a powerful example of love in action and full of profound insight.

How I hurt by invalidating someone I loved.

I cried when I saw the movie for the first time in 2022. I could see and feel how I had invalidated someone I loved by doing and saying things I thought were solutions. I intended to help. Instead, I made things worse.

That happens when we try to help others to make our feelings feel better. Controlling the thoughts feeling, and actions to help our feelings feel better.

In other words, that’s co-dependency.

And that is why co-dependency is narcissistic.

I felt so much empathy for this person watching the movie. The guilt and remorse swarmed like an avalanche, and the tears fell like a waterfall.

Not knowing the power of validation is what I needed to know to align my actions with my heart toward this person.

Gus — How long will Lars be this way?

Dr. Dagmar — As long as he needs to be this way.”

Lars, at the end of the movie, buried his Bolow-up doll to have a real relationship with a real girl who had been waiting on Lars and believing in him.

Sometimes the biggest solutions to life's weirdest and most complicated problems can be as simple as validation and patience.

“Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

I buried my blow-up doll.

I’ll totally dig yours if you haven’t.

References:

Hollis, J. (1997). The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife. Inner City Books.

Jung, C. G. (1963). Memories, Dreams, Reflections. Vintage Books.

von Franz, M. L. (1980). Projection and Recollection in Jungian Psychology: Reflections of the Soul. Open Court Publishing.

Lars and the Real Girl (2007) Production company Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Distributed by MGM Distribution Co.