Syzygy Sexualis: We Have It All Wrong
Artwork: Jake Baddeley
“I spoke to a loving soul, and as I drew nearer to her, I was overcome by horror and heaped up a wall of doubt. I did not anticipate that I thus wanted to protect myself from my fearful soul.”
In the material world, opposites exist in a dynamic dance that is essential to creation, transformation, and the highest order of life. The tension between night and day, masculine and feminine, chaos and order is not meant to result in the dissolution of these polarities into sameness, but rather their transcendence into a Syzygy, a higher harmony or a alignment of forces.
In human relationships, the meeting of opposites offers the potential for profound growth, as it is within this very tension that the soul’s purpose is refined and a third principle—the summum bonum—is born.
The Hieros Gamos, or sacred marriage, is the ultimate symbolic container of this divine dance, where opposites are not merely reconciled but transmuted into something greater than the sum of their parts.
Syzygy: The Alignment of Bodies
Before diving into the relationship dynamics of opposites, we must first understand the concept of syzygy. The word comes from two stems: (1) syn, meaning “with,” “together,” or “complete”; and (2) zygon, meaning “yoke” or “to join.”
Society has got the syzygy dance down to have persona sex. That is the game persona’s play to get laid for validation, release or conquest. However, to go beyond the superfluous hook-up or relationship fling that leaves most people empty and searching for meaning or a consciously crafted relationship you have to move beyond the imature drives of the eternal child—puear or puella aternus.
In its simplest terms, syzygy refers to the alignment of celestial bodies, most commonly associated with the sun, moon, and Earth during an eclipse. However, Carl Jung borrowed this term to describe the union of the internal psychological functions known as the anima and animus—the feminine and masculine archetypal energies within the psyche of a man or woman. The animus refers to the masculine aspect of her psyche and the anima to the feminine aspect of his psyche.
Symbolically, syzygy represents a state of heightened tension, a cosmic alignment. Psychologically, this moment is when two opposites come into perfect relation without losing their core essence. Certain attributes, attitudes, and characteristic may have needed to be unearthed or confronted to reveal the core essence but the Self is not lost and a harmonic balance of two seeming oppostes become a single movement—a syzygy sexualis.
In Jungian terms, this alignment can be understood as the meeting of the conscious and unconscious, the ego and the shadow, the masculine anima and the feminine animus.
This encounter is not comfortable. It is not seamless. It is a refining fire—a process that burns away the dross of egoic desire and attachment, leaving behind something purer, something transformed.
The syzygy, therefore, is not about dissolving the opposites into one another but about holding the tension between them. It is in this tension, this dynamic balance, that the possibility for something new arises.
This is the alchemical principle of coniunctio, the sacred marriage of opposites, which leads to the birth of a third principle—a new consciousness, a higher order of being.
A Narcissistic Illusion: The Misconception of Compatibility
In modern culture, there is a pervasive misconception about compatibility in relationships. We are often told to seek someone who shares our values, our interests, our lifestyle—a person who mirrors us.
This notion of compatibility, though appealing, is fundamentally flawed. What it creates is not a dynamic, evolving relationship, but a narcissistic paracosm, a shared fantasy where both individuals remain in their comfort zones, and unchanged.
This is the illusion of sameness. When we seek someone who is just like us, we are not entering into the tension of opposites but into a stagnant mirroring of our own image.
What we experience that feels so good when you find the elusive “soul mate” is your internal psycholgical image of your “type” of masculine (animus) or feminine (anima) projected onto a suitable external hook/target/mirror/human.
There is nothing wrong about this and doesn’t need to be fixed per sé. This can be a wonderful experience and this projection is the necessary basis of attraction beyond biology.
However, if I have hope to come into authentic relating to another human I have to move beyond my projection and bring into conscious awareness the make-up of my animus function. Only then can I begin to tune out or clean-up the interference distorting my view of a intimate partner.
Otherwise we face a never ending battle or “toxic cycle” of trying to get the other to see my way, to think my way, to act my way, to respect my way, to love me my way, etc. This is a wishful thinking for sameness becomes a psychological facsimile glued onto to the “other” distorting the relationship field between opposites.
If the relationship becomes an echo chamber where there is no friction, no conflict, and ultimately then there is no growth. Bound by a naive pursuit of pleasure or comfort sourced from the partner. This fallacy is a doomed narrative.
What feels like harmony is, in fact, an avoidance of the necessary tension that propels us toward transformation. In other words, we play characters we have been conditioned to play or roles we think our partner wants us to play in the theater of the relationship. When the projection falls we are often left with blaming them and we go searching for a new object to project our idealization onto a new target. Otherwise, we must enter the heat of transformation.
The ancient alchemists understood this well. They knew that order does not emerge from a pre-existing harmony but from disorder. It is in the chaos, the conflict, and the tension between opposites that new life is born. The same is true in relationships. True compatibility is not found in sameness, but in the meeting of opposites—the masculine and the feminine principles, the rational and the emotional, the conscious and the unconscious.
When opposites meet, there is friction, yes, but this friction is the signal that something is happening, something is shifting. It is the first sign of potential transformation. Without this tension, there can be no refinement, no transmutation of old patterns into new purpose. The soul’s purpose is not to remain comfortable but to be stretched, challenged, and ultimately transformed by the encounter with the Other.
The Refining Fire: Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth
When opposites meet, conflict is inevitable. This is often perceived as a red flag—triggers becoming a sign that the relationship is not working, that the partners are incompatible. But what if we reframed conflict triggers not as a sign of failure but as door to transformation?
In this light, conflict becomes not something to avoid but something to embrace, for it is through conflict that we are shaped and refined. When conflict arises or a rupture occurs in a relationship, learning how to navigate it together—rather than avoiding conflict altogether—is the true hallmark of a vibrant, healthy relationship.
In the meeting of masculine and feminine energies, for example, the tension between order and chaos is palpable. The masculine seeks structure, clarity, and direction. The feminine, in its raw form, embodies the fluidity of the unconscious, the creative chaos from which all life emerges. When these energies collide, the initial reaction is often discomfort, even fear. But it is precisely in this collision that the potential for transformation lies.
Consider the Philosophers Stone—a storied alchemical process of turning lead into gold. The base material, lead, must be subjected to intense heat, to a refining fire, before it can be transmuted into something as precious as gold. The same principle applies to relationships. The conflict between opposites is the fire that burns away the egoic attachments, the desires for control or security, and leaves behind the pure essence of the soul’s purpose.
In this sense, the friction between opposites is a green flag, not a red one. It signals that the relationship is alive, dynamic, and full of potential for growth. The task is not to eliminate the conflict but to navigate it with consciousness, to hold the tension between the opposites without allowing one to overpower the other. This is the essence of the Hieros Gamos—the sacred marriage that leads to the birth of a third principle—a new level of conscious relating and harmony of opposites— the syzygy sexualis.
Transmutation: The Birth of a Third Principle
The third principle is the outcome of the union of opposites. In alchemy, this is known as the REBIS which means “the great work” or magnum opus. The substance born from this process of transmutation between spirit and matter, Self and ego becomes the inner gold from our inner lead. In relationships, the third principle is not merely the product of compromise or negotiation but the emergence of a higher order of consciousness that transcends the original duality.
When masculine and feminine energies come into balance through the REBIS crucible something new is born. This could be a literal child, the physical manifestation of the union of opposites. But more often, it is a psychological or spiritual transformation—a shift in consciousness that allows both partners to grow into their fuller Selfhood.
The third principle is not the dissolution of the masculine and feminine into a bland neutrality, but the creation of something entirely new, something that could not have existed without the tension between the opposites.
This is the true meaning of syzygy in relationships—the alignment of opposites in such a way that a new consciousness is born. The sacred marriage, or Hieros Gamos, is the symbolic expression of this union. It is not about finding sameness or compatibility in the superficial sense, but about embracing the tension of opposites and allowing that tension to transform both individuals.
The Soul’s Purpose: Transformation Through Relationship
The soul’s purpose, according to Jungian psychology, is not to remain static but to undergo a process of individuation—a journey toward wholeness that requires the integration of the unconscious into conscious awareness. Relationships are one of the primary arenas in which this process unfolds. It is in the encounter with the “Otherness,” with someone who embodies the opposite qualities that we lack, that we are pushed toward greater self-awareness and growth.
Eros & Logos
Thinker & Feeler
Dominant & Submissive
Assertive & Passive
Anxious & Avoidant
Engulfer & Abandoner
Ambitious & Lethargic
Empathetic & Apathetic
Passionate & Stoic
Warm Red & Cold Blue
Optimistic & Pessimistic
Obsessive & Ambivalent
Narcissistic & Borderline
Introvert & Extrovert
Adventurous & Cautious
Bad Boy & Good Girl
Beauty & Beast…
“I unsuspectingly absorb what I reject. What I accept enters into that part of my soul that remains unknown to me. I accept what I do to myself, yet I reject what is done to me. Thus, the path of my life leads me through the rejected opposites—united upon the smooth yet painfully jagged edges of the way that lies before me.” —CG Jung, The Red Book, Chapter VIII
The tension between opposites in a relationship is not something to be feared or avoided. It is the very mechanism through which the soul’s purpose is dynamically unfolding. The friction between masculine and feminine, order and chaos, rationality and emotion is the crucible in which transformation occurs.
The task is not to eliminate this tension but to hold it, to remain conscious in the midst of the conflict, and to allow the third principle—the summum bonum—to emerge.
In this sense, the Hieros Gamos is not just a symbolic union but a living, dynamic process that takes place within each of us. It is the marriage of our conscious and unconscious selves, the integration of our masculine and feminine energies, and the birth of a new consciousness that transcends the limitations of our egoic desires. The sacred marriage is the ultimate goal of the individuation process, the moment when we come into alignment with our soul’s purpose and experience the fullness of our being.
The Hieros Gamos as a Path to Higher Consciousness
The Hieros Gamos, or sacred marriage, is often misunderstood as a mere metaphor for sexual union. While it does have sexual connotations, its true meaning is far deeper and more profound. The Hieros Gamos is the symbolic expression of the union of opposites, both within the individual and within relationships. It is the meeting of the masculine and feminine principles in such a way that a new consciousness is born.
In a relationship, the Hieros Gamos represents the highest form of partnership—a union in which both individuals are transformed by their encounter with the Other. This transformation is not about “losing oneself “ in the other person but about discovering a new emerging Self through the tension of opposites. This is often experienced as a death in the psyche—lost and out of control. The struggle to stay the same as we are challenges our narcissistic qualities that seeks to maintain the status quo of what is knonw as my self-concept, my identity and center of personal comfort. The masculine and feminine energies, when brought into balance, create a higher order of being that transcends the limitations of the current individual, winter becomes spring—a new flower is born.
My therapist once said “My wife and I have had 14 divorces.” Symbolically that is to say they have endured 14 season of death and rebirth. He commented how neither of them are the same people when they first met. They have accepted the higher order of their differences and embraced the newness continually unfolding between them.
This is the true meaning of love in its highest form—not a merging of two people into one, but a dynamic balance of two opposites that experience oneness emerging from the two opposites. The Hieros Gamos, this sacred marriage is a container holding each person’s variable expressions during growth.
Without a container our ugliness spills out as we shed our dying skin and we become afraid of the “others” morphological transformation. If we are too afraid of changing ourselves in season we will see their progression as their affliction and move away from the container.
If the container was only unconscious lust and toxic cycle emerges then a crisis of commitment occurs. Either a container for deeper level of committed relatedness must be built or a break up ensues.
A seeking for another person who mirrors us and call it compatibility begins—a perpetual ground hog day. Reliving the same pattern with new people hoping for a different result. Only until I face my fear can I discover who the other person really is—until then I can only see my fears wearing their face.
The “oneness” is experienced when two experience the third—the shared joy upon the birth of a baby and the following season of pain and growth required to raise the child. Spiritually, the Syzygy Sexualis is the path of higher consciousness, the alchemical process through which we are transformed by union with our lover, an equal in opposite. A divine alignment of two celestial and corporal bodies experiencing oneness while growing as two through the pain and the pleasure of becoming.
