Women & Desire: The Trap of Wanting to be Wanted
Artwork: Jake Baddeley
Selfless Desire: The Purest Form
I once tasted the rarest form of desire. I let go of all projections, illusions, hopes, disappointments, and reasons for resentment. I accepted her as she was and as she would become—brutal and beautiful, artful and distasteful, order and chaos.
A love that cannot be earned. Nothing to hide, nothing to chase. This kind of desire is not self-directed—it is an offering that may or may not return, a desire that requires risk and may exact a heavy price.
I desired not to possess, but to experience the wonder of another as they are. However little or however much they offered, I sought only to bear witness in pure honesty—blemishes, wrinkles, torn and tattered passions—a canvas, a poem, a song.
I desired not her body, mind, or deeds for my gain or pleasure, but only what was emerging from the kaleidoscope of her soul—a glimpse of the divine peeking through the curtain. I longed to experience the totality of her essence.
To desire a person in all their humanness, and to be desired without pageantry or persona, is as deeply human as it is transcendent. Perhaps, beyond the circus of projections, funhouse mirrors, and fantasy, authentic love awaits.
And there, in the plainness of being stripped of artificial shrines, an oasis emerges—the Holy Grail, the elixir of life. Perhaps the most sacred miracle of all is to be truly, deeply, and compassionately accepted, just as you are and as you are becoming.
Desire: Foreplay or Foolish
In Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted, Polly Young-Eisendrath eloquently dissects the intricate web of female desire, particularly the profound yearning many women have to be desired rather than to express desire.
The question—why women long to be wanted—cuts to the core of deeps psychological frameworks that shape feminine consciousness. Through a Jungian lens, coupled with the nuanced insights of Object Relations Theory, I want to discuss the tangled unconscious motivations that drive this phenomenon and its potential for psychological harm.
The Formation of Desire
In early childhood development, Object Relations Theory emphasizes that our first interactions with the primary caregiver—often the mother—shape how we relate to others and ourselves.
British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s idea of the “good enough mother” provides insight into how the process of individuation occurs: the infant starts to form a distinct identity, separate from the mother, while still seeking that symbiotic connection.
This is the root of the paradox that defines human relationships—longing for independence while also yearning for connection.
For many women, this desire for connection manifests as the need to be desired, a residue of early relational patterns where the self is seen primarily through the eyes of another.
Young-Eisendrath explores this dynamic, arguing that the desire to be desired often reflects an unexamined belief that self-worth is determined externally, particularly through the gaze and approval of men.
The woman becomes the “object” of desire rather than the “subject” of her own desire, echoing patterns established in childhood where the affirmation of the self was contingent upon the caregiver’s mirroring.
The Shadow of Feminine Desire
Jung’s concept of the shadow—the parts of ourselves we repress or deny—adds another layer to the discussion of feminine desire. Women, conditioned by societal norms, may bury their own desires in favor of adopting a more passive role, waiting to be desired rather than actively expressing want.
This creates a dangerous dissonance, where the conscious self longs to be the object of desire while the shadow-self seethes with unmet, unacknowledged desires.
Polly Young-Eisendrath suggests that this repression of authentic desire can result in a profound psychological splitting. The individual becomes caught between the socially constructed feminine ideal—passive, desirable, and agreeable—and the shadow, which yearns for agency, expression, and autonomy.
This tension is often manifested in intimate relationships, where women may feel unsatisfied, trapped in roles that prevent them from fully embracing their desires.
The Problem of Projection: Desire as a Mirror
Women might project their own unmet needs onto partners, particularly in romantic relationships. In doing so, they may unconsciously recreate their childhood experience of needing to be mirrored to feel valued.
However, rather than developing a full sense of self, they become trapped in an endless cycle of seeking validation through being desired by the “other.”
For instance, in relationships I have experienced, her desire to be wanted has overshadowed her deeper emotional needs for love, intimacy, and authentic connection. The burden rests on her desire barometer not within her relating function.
If she can not assert these repressed needs consciously outward then her ego will experience internal conflict resulting in an internal resentment toward herself.
Either this self-resentment must be reconciled within herself or she may project the resentment onto her partner. In other words, the affect pressure if not relieved by assertive healthy communication her psyche may split the resentment from her self-concept.
This aspect that can not be accepted within herself without an external mirror remains repressed as a component of her unconscious shadow. She may unconsciously project this split off rejected aspect of inward self-resentment, dislike or hatred and turn it outward onto an external object like a partner.
She sees someone else as the person who does not find her desireable, or worth love instead of coming to terms with her internal insecurities and working toward wholeness through self-acceptance and integration of aspects of herself that may not have been accepted by her family of origin.
If I did not produce her version of desirability reflected back to her then she may have interpreted meaning and construct a self generated internal narrative, “he” does not love me.
Her unseen, internal lack of self-worth seeks external compensation in the form of a felt desire to achieve internal regulation as an adult through an external object to fill a an original wound, such as an unmet need like a childhood parental deficit.
The external validation becomes the primary focus, often at the cost of self-exploration and personal agency. This is one of the many reasons break-ups come with such vitriol—self hatred projected onto the image of the other.
If her narrative remains consistent with her childhood experience e.g. my mom did not love me, my dad abandoned me, my boyfriend does not love and will abandon me or I am losing myself in him then the childhood developmental status quo is maintained. Self-sabotage is the means to confirm the non integrated complex’s necessary end—the end of a relationship.
The “other” becomes the mirror through which the woman views herself, reflecting her desirability rather than her authentic Selfhood.
The Trap: How Unconscious Drives to Be Desired Frame Men for Failure
While the unconscious drive for women to be desired has deep roots in their psychological development and cultural conditioning, this pattern has equally profound effects on men in intimate relationships.
When a woman’s desire to be desired becomes central to her relational dynamics, it unconsciously positions her partner, particularly a male partner, as the guarantor of her self-worth.
This setup creates a fragile and often untenable foundation for the relationship, one where the man is inevitably set up for failure. Both Jungian psychology and Object Relations Theory provide insights into why this dynamic is detrimental to both partners and why it can lead to relationship breakdowns.
Men as Projected Mirrors of Desire: The Burden of Reflection
When a woman places the burden of her desire to be desired onto a man, she is unconsciously asking him to mirror back to her an image of desirability that fulfills her unresolved self-worth issues. He is no longer a partner or even a human but a fantasy reflection generated by a unconscious complex represented as her inner needs.
This setup inherently frames the man for failure. No partner can perpetually serve as a mirror for another’s unconscious drives without eventually collapsing under the pressure. Like Humpty Dumpty or any imperfect human, I have collapsed many times left to pick-up the pieces.
The man, whether aware of it or not, is being asked to perform an impossible task—one that shifts the locus of control entirely to the woman’s subjective state.
When the woman’s self-image is tethered to how much her partner desires her, the relationship becomes asymmetrical.
The man is burdened with sustaining the woman’s fragile sense of worth, often without the relational reciprocity necessary for mutual fulfillment.
Animus and Anima: The Myth of Completion
In Jungian psychology, the mind or the psyche’s unconscious feminine (anima) in men and the unconscious masculine (animus) in women play significant roles in shaping intimate relationships. In the dynamic where women yearn to be desired, the projection of the animus often distorts the man’s role, turning him into the idealized figure who is expected to complete or fulfill her.
The animus—the inner masculine aspect of the female psyche—can be projected outward onto men, distorting their roles as partners into objects that must fulfill an internal deficiency like self-esteem through a internally constructed fantasy.
A fanatasy that is played out but may be unconscious to the experiencer. All she knows is her experience of her reality thus the fantasy of how a man “should” be becomes the measurement of wether he loves her or not. A real person competing against her fabricated illusion of what a man is if he loved her.
These fantasies are often formed through the absence of a real father image to compsensate the psyche assembles a artifact image of “man” through cultural influences and her anectdotal expereinces with substitute father images like an uncle, grandpa, brother or boyfriends. Her animus functions takes this composite and will project it onto every new potential lover.
She forms a relaionship with a man-avatar part himself dressed in her projection. When her projection begins to distort due to normal rupture she may experience a total reality meltdown. Who is this man. I don’t know him. In reality she couldn’t see the human for the fog of her inflated fantasy projection glued onto a human being.
Jung’s theory of individuation emphasizes that each individual must integrate their anima or animus within themselves to reach wholeness. However, when the woman’s animus is projected outward, it traps the man in the role of fulfilling her unconscious desires for approval and validation.
Emotional Distance: The Disconnection from Authenticity
When the relational dynamic revolves around a woman’s need to be desired, both partners become distanced from their authentic selves. The man is required to maintain an image of desiring the woman at all times, preventing a genuine connection from forming. His role becomes one of constantly affirming her desirability, rather than engaging with her as a complex, multifaceted individual.
This emotional distance can foster a sense of disconnection, where the man’s true desires, vulnerabilities, and needs are pushed aside in favor of maintaining the illusion of the desired object.
This dynamic creates a dissonance where the man may feel unseen and unappreciated for who he truly is. His role in the relationship becomes performative, catering to the woman’s projections rather than fostering mutual intimacy and emotional growth.
Over time, this emotional gap can widen, resulting in the relationship feeling shallow or transactional, where the primary function of the man is to feed the woman’s unconscious need to be desired, rather than building a genuine emotional connection based on mutual vulnerability and trust.
The Erosion of Desire: The “Nice Guy” Trap
Polly Young-Eisendrath notes that the desire to be desired often leads to dissatisfaction and sexual stagnation in relationships. The more a woman relies on external validation of her desirability, the less she may actually desire her partner.
As the man continues to feed her need to be wanted, his own role shifts from being an independent agent of desire to a passive reflector of hers. In this scenario, men often fall into what is commonly referred to as the “Nice Guy” trap, where they prioritize their partner’s emotional needs to the exclusion of their own.
Ironically, this dynamic diminishes the very attraction that initially sparked the relationship. The man’s relentless affirmation of the woman’s desirability may lead to him being viewed as less desirable himself.
As his role becomes increasingly passive, he loses the agency that originally made him attractive as a subject of desire. The woman, having fulfilled her need to be desired, may paradoxically begin to lose interest in the very man who once fulfilled that role.
This dynamic can erode the sexual and emotional passion in the relationship, leading to a sense of dissatisfaction, discontent, resentment or even contempt on either side.
Breaking the Cycle: Toward Mutuality and Individuation
To prevent this setup for failure, both partners must engage in psychological work that moves beyond the unconscious projections and relational dynamics outlined in Object Relations
Theory and Jungian analysis. For women, this means recognizing the tendency to place the burden of their self-worth on being desired by their partner.
Polly Young-Eisendrath advocates for women to become the subjects of their own desires, rather than the objects of others’. This involves developing a sense of self-worth independent of external validation, a process that requires confronting and integrating the shadow aspects of their psyche that have been repressed.
For men, the solution lies in rejecting the role of the passive mirror and asserting his own desires and needs within the relationship. If she rejects this move away from unconscious role play and the her projection onto him collapses then the relationship as a whole experience collapse. The old roles must die and a new level of conscious intimacy must emerge—a rebirth of relating and a renewal of Self.
Partners too identified with their self-state without differentiation of the internal processes will suffer rupture. The inner critic starts marching around in the head “he doesn’t love me anymore” or “he thinks I am ugly.”
The projection takes the polar opposite position. Projected desire being a form of narcissistic idealization followed by narcissistic devaluation experienced as toxic loop rather than face the fear of an aspect need to die and be reborn.
If the alchemy induced by the transcendent function is thwarted then the outward relationship dissolves and the psyche’s internal projection dissolves back into the unconscious to hibernate until a new object awakens the slumbering complex into activity—the high of a new lover and cycle repeats.
Unless there is a move inward toward self-awareness at a deeper level of consciousness then the pendulum between the opposites of desire will continue with the next inline.
This requires breaking the cycle of projection and developing authentic, emotionally mature intimacy where both partners can see each other as whole individuals rather than as objects fulfilling unmet psychological needs.
By refusing to play the role of the unconditionally affirming partner, men can help establish a relationship based on mutual respect, vulnerability, and authenticity.
In Jungian terms, both partners must go through the process of individuation, where they integrate their anima and animus, confront their shadows, and establish a balanced relationship between their conscious and unconscious selves.
Only then can the dynamic shift from one of projection and dependency to one of mutual growth, where both partners are subjects of desire, engaged in a relationship of equals rather than a dynamic of giver and receiver.
References
Young-Eisendrath, P. (1999). Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted. Harmony Books.
Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and Reality. Tavistock Publications.
Jung, C. G. (1953). The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Volume 7: Two Essays on Analytical Psychology. Princeton University Press.
